“You said there would be joy in the letting go. You said there would be joy in the laying down. You said there would be joy in the giving up my rights. And now I see. Your River it rushes to the lowest place. Let Your River flow. Come and rush over me. I’ve gotta go lower, lower. I’ve gotta go deeper, deepr. I’ve gotta get to the wells of joy. I’ve gotta dig for the wells of joy!” – Laura Hackett

These words penetrated the core of my being as I let go of everything I’ve been clinging to in life and embraced the fullness of joy found only in God’s presence!

I thought I had let go of everything and surrendered all my dreams to the Lord, but I have been struggling to loose my grasp on one last temporal desire: marriage. I’m not the only one. I know a number of people over the age of 30 or 40 who are longing for their earthly spouses. I have gone through all the stages from pursuing a long-term relationship to kissing dating goodbye completely and focusing entirely on pursuing the Lord, then praying daily for my future husband while expressing interest in subtle ways and waiting for specific men to pursue me until finally initiating activities and expressing interest in more obvious ways since it appeared that men were not pursuing. Now I am letting go like Abraham laid his only son Isaac on the altar reasoning that God could raise him from the dead. I cannot make anything happen. I have wrestled with God like Jacob, sought His face like David, cried out like Hannah, and concluded like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, that He is able, He will, and even if He does not fulfill His promise, I will not bow down to the idols of this world but will honor the One who is faithful.

I believe it is God’s plan for me to be married and have a family, but if His promise is not fulfilled in this life it is only one of many injustices. I have an eternal Bridegroom who will come with vengeance to make war with the enemy as He rides forth victoriously on my behalf. We live in a generation where injustice abounds. Millions of babies have been and are still being aborted; men and women are being trafficked in the sex slave trade; sexual immorality and murder plague our society; we live in a fatherless generation full of broken hurting people. Is it any wonder that so many marriages end in divorce and so many people never marry at all? This is not the way God created the Garden of Eden. He said, “It is not good for man to be alone,” and formed a suitable companion from Adam’s flesh. What has become of this Paradise? It has been corrupted by evil. But there is going to be a Wedding! It’s the reason we are living, to marry the Lamb.

Do you ever wonder about the purpose of life? Is it to fulfill some grand business venture or leave behind a family legacy? When we stand before the Lord how will He measure the success of our lives? Will God consider our wealth, our accomplishments, or our children? What is the standard He will use to determine our eternal inheritance? What must we do to hear those words, “Well done good and faithful servant”?

Paul gave us the answer when he showed us the most excellent way: LOVE. Absolutely nothing we attain in this life will remain for eternity except this one heart motive. The evaluation of our entire life will come down to this one question, “Have you learned to love?” What is this love? It’s patient (long-suffering) and kind, not envious, boastful, or self-seeking! I have spent most of my life absorbed with my Self! The other day my roommate pointed out that we have a much greater burden to rally prayer for issues that affect us personally. So are we willing to look out for the interests of others and consider their needs as more important than our own?

Jesus showed us the greatest love of all in laying down His life for us. Are we willing to love by “suffering-long” with Jesus? He died for the joy of having each of us as His inheritance. That’s how we experience “joy in the letting go” and “in the giving up our rights”. His river of pleasure rushes to the lowest place of humility. We must be emptied of ourselves so that we might be filled to overflowing with His Spirit. Like John the Baptist our role is to decrease so that Jesus might increase.

As I participated in a small group discussion about 1 Corinthians 13 I became acquainted once again with my love deficit. Afterward a friend challenged me to “let go” of the things I was clinging to. On my way home I decided to stop into the renewal services at the International House of Prayer where the Holy Spirit had begun to move powerfully setting people free of self-hatred, eating disorders, and addictions, as well as healing people both emotionally and physically. Upon entering the celebration Jesus encountered my heart with “joy in the letting go.” I danced around with such freedom and excitement! When I stopped for a moment to receive His love I began to sway like a weeping willow tree in the wind. As I leaned back to one side I heard Him speak to my heart, “Do not lean on your own understanding,” before I toppled to the ground.

During the course of the next few days the Lord continued to do a work in my heart to purge my selfish ambition. I went forward on an altar call. The leadership team prayed for people from California to receive a burden of prayer for this state. I remember saying over and over, “Lord, help me to suffer long with You. Your people shall be my people.” I shook like a surge of electricity was flowing through my body and went to the floor again the moment I mentioned the names of friends who live in California. Similar manifestations of God’s presence occurred as He continued to realign my heart and motives with His. My prayers often seemed quite repetitive. At one point I recall saying, “More of You and less of me,” over and over. I also sensed waves of angelic activity causing me to sway and spontaneously erupt in laughter or squeals of joy as if I were riding the rapids of a roaring river.

I practically did a back-bend before falling on the floor when someone called out prayer for Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and gastro-intestinal trouble. As soon as I was on the ground the leader said it was related to fear. This confirmed what the Lord had been speaking to me about my fear of not getting married or having a family. I have been struggling with this for a while. I didn’t feel like I was completely healed physically at that moment but believe the Lord used that manifestation to highlight and confirm that He is delivering me from this fear and working His perfect love, which casts out all fear, in my heart. He reminded me that the one who fears is not made perfect in love. Basically, the whole experience has been about perfecting me in love and helping me let go of getting what I want when I want it. Later I told Jesus, “Not my will but Yours be done. I don’t want my own way any more. I want Yours!”

Another time I stopped to hug a friend. When she began praying for me in the Spirit I doubled over crying as the Lord did a deeper work in my heart. I cried out for Him to deliver me of my self-focus and selfish motives, to make me a lover, and to transform my heart so I could truly love. I told God that this was my only dream in life, that it was okay if I never got married. I committed my heart to fulfill the greatest two commandments of loving Him and others. I cried until I was slumped down on the ground and could barely breathe because my nose was so stuffed up from bawling. My friend continued praying,  then all of a sudden I felt His perfect peace. I got up to talk to some others and went back to my seat to rest in His presence a little longer before going home.

It was quite an exciting adventure, but there were times when I felt nothing. Sure, I might have been able to control myself and prevent any of those manifestations from happening, but had I resisted the child-likeness of it all I believe I would have missed out on the transformation the Lord was working in my heart to rid me of selfish motives and cause me to surrender to His reshaping of my priorities.

Interestingly, the same song struck my heart when I came to IHOP-KC for the last 15 minutes of another service after being stirred in many other ways apart from these manifestations. Earlier that day I had watched the movie 2012 and was provoked by the extreme motivation of self-preservation exhibited by some of the characters, even at the expense of others’ lives. I asked myself what my response would or should be in those types of hopeless situations. I determined that the best thing to do would be to surrender and give my life up for the sake of saving another, which is the very thing Jesus did. Of course I need a heart of love and His grace to do this. If we try to save our life we will lose it, but if we lose our life for His sake we will surely find it in the end! I had also attended an underground church simulation where we identified with and prayed for the persecuted Church around the world. Being faced with the tangible concept of suffering as we read testimonies and prayed for individuals in prison, I realized once again that the whole focus of life must be love. How else will we stand firm to the end in the face of all kinds of tribulation and persecution?

People often question the move of the Holy Spirit when demonstrative manifestations take place. They wonder, “Is it real? What does it accomplish?” Everyone has different experiences, but we must all ask ourselves, “Is this affecting change in my life, my attitudes, and my priorities?” When all is said and done our lives must be transformed.

I can honestly say that God is doing a deep work in my heart to deliver me from this body of flesh so that I may learn to love as He loves. I find myself growing in His love more and more, becoming conscious of others’ needs, and actively seeking to prefer the interests of others above my own. I share my experiences as a reminder to myself of the things God has done in my heart during this time and as a testimony to others of how He humbles His people in ways we cannot explain in order to fashion us into vessels of honor that are quipped to carry His glory to the nations!

May the Lord reshape us on His potter’s wheel as we surrender all our control to Him! May He carve out a place of humility and empty us of ourselves so that we may be filled to overflowing with His love. Let us decrease so that He may increase. There is joy in the letting go. Let’s get to those wells of joy!

- Chérie Blair